To think there is a way to keep everyone happy at all times--in any group where there is more than one person--is a delusion, plain and simple...but many of us strive for it every day. I highly respect these people. I sometimes try to emulate these people, but I am the first to admit I'm more naturally wired to shine light on challenges--in hopes of uncovering solutions--rather than pretend they don't exist.
Let's Agree to Disagree Agreeably
Problem-solving seems to be a part of my nature, which must be why differing opinions don't devastate me. We certainly want to try to be as civil and kind as possible when we're expressing what may be an opposing view--and that's a challenge in itself--but to some people, any conflict is devastating. To me, it's a way to find out what's important to everyone involved in a particular project or situation, and to strive toward a solution to address as many of those values as possible. This can be a fun undertaking if we let it--I often find it fascinating how differently we all think--but so often, someone's feelings are hurt because someone else didn't appear to like their ideas, or worse, someone feels they are in a position to pull the weakest leader tactic: "It's my way or the highway!"
What's really happening is we can't all have our way all of the time, and since no two people will ever agree on everything, concessions need to be made--especially in a marriage or an equal partnership--like a he-gets-to-pick-the-movie-this-time-and-I-get-to-pick-it-next-time sort of thing. Managers can have big challenges in this area if they are perceived as unwilling to hear others' ideas.
A Manager Does Not a Leader Make
My husband Bret has studied leadership for as long as I can remember. We've been married 24 years this month, and I can truly profess his number one pastime for many years has been reading books about leadership. He's been a school principal for more than 15 years and runs Wilson Focus School in Omaha, Nebraska, where the focus is 'leadership through technology and communication', so he does know a few things... ;oD
One of the books Bret's currently reading is called The Championship Formula, by Jack Stark, and he was reading to me about Stark's findings that only the top one percent of all leaders are good, but--even worse than that--only the top one-tenth of one percent (one in a thousand) are great. How sad.
I've been in several leadership positions in my life and have found the biggest challenge is to make everyone feel they've been heard and considered. This is a strong need in our human existence--to feel we matter and are needed. In subordinate roles, I personally have found, once I've shared my thoughts, ideas and suggestions on a particular situation, I'm okay if it still goes another direction--at least I've been allowed to share and I do appreciate that (score points for my supervisor).
On the flip side, I get it when a leader doesn't necessarily have time to go through the buy-in process, but I always appreciate their sharing the logic in how they arrived at a decision on what direction to take. That to me is at least an attempt to recognize there could be better practices out there, but in the time allotted (and respecting the supervisor is the one who ultimately makes the call), this was the best direction uncovered with deadlines looming.
Praise the Good, Ignore the Bad
I first heard the idea of focusing on what you want and not focusing on what you don't want from one of my favorite bosses, but have since heard it in several circles of thought--including dog training! ;oD With my tendency to try to find solutions and fix things, I have to work on "ignoring" every day! Not everyone wants a solution or not everything is important enough to spend energy correcting, and those are the decisions we each must make daily. I see people (I call "me-times-10"), who are highly detailed to the point of focusing on things that really don't matter to anyone else. I've watched those people drive other people nuts, and it reminds me to be diligent about what I'm moved to address and what I need to let go.
As far as how I deal with other people who may be challenging to me, I'm not a hater, I just put people in categories--it's been a healthy and quick way to move on and not stew about whatever words, tone, attitude or fill-in-the-blank I may have perceived, and just try to get to the meat of their message and address it where I can.
A Solution that Works
We all come from different backgrounds and have different expectations of ourselves. I, for example, was raised by educators, am married to an educator, have educator in-laws and educator friends, so I might value education more than the average Joe, and when tasked with writing or speaking, I probably have a higher expectation of myself in this area than others might. Whatever your interests, there is one tool the world of education has been focused on in recent years from which we could all benefit. It maximizes people's strengths rather than focuses on all the weaknesses they may think they need to work on: The Clifton StrengthsFinder.
If you know about StrengthsFinder, you can appreciate the fact that if something is a strength, we can grow it to the top of the heap, but if something is a weakness--no matter how many hours a day we work on it--it can never be improved more than minimally. If you've taken the StrengthFinder survey, hopefully you've delved into it or been coached on it enough to see how truly beneficial it is for appreciating other people's views--no matter how different they may be from yours--and finding ways to maximize what everyone brings to the table.
My top five themes of talent in the StrengthsFinder are communication, achiever, relator, maximizer and strategic. My strategic--the "what if" person--explains a lot about why I question things. I'm really not trying to be a Negative Nellie, I just want to have all ends covered. Strategic can be perceived as getting in the way of a "ready...fire...aim" activator, for example, so I would need to keep my "what ifs" in check a little more with a person with activator in their top five.
Cherish the Differences
If you haven't taken StrengthsFinder, it's well worth the time. In the case of the last person with whom I compared strengths, I knew exactly how we could help each other, and exactly what to curb or look out for (where we might drive each other coo-coo). It's fun and helpful to know these things...cuz All God's Creatures Got a Place in the Choir! ;oD To ostracize or campaign against anyone just because they don't agree with us is simply not okay. Let's make an effort to cherish our differences.
The next time someone's stepping on your last nerve, my suggestion is to stop and put them in a category--even if it's the category of "has a keen ability to push my buttons". Once they're in a category, you can make one decision to let them be who they are, and a second decision not to be annoyed by them. They may not even be trying to push your buttons--but if they are, you have the power to render that button "out of order".
Today's Quote:
"Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be."
-- Abraham Lincoln
